I present to you my evil nemesis, the spider with the evil eye.
This thing had so much heft that while walking along the floor you could hear his feet go tickticktick etc. Scary as hell.
Scarier still, there was a bright red reflection visible to the naked eye from one of his eyes. Maybe he’s actually a terminator?
I think this chatlog sums it up, really:
21:56 yaleman: ffs
21:56 yaleman: spider
21:56 yaleman: can’t fix this problem with a gun
21:56 yaleman: what do I do
21:56 RMB: aaaahhhj balls the size of andromeda
21:56 RMB: 😀
21:56 RMB: titanium
21:57 RMB: is it on your person?
21:57 yaleman: this thing’s the size of your head
21:57 yaleman: not mine, because that’s quite large
21:57 yaleman: it’s still a large spider
21:57 RMB: first - photographs
21:57 yaleman: yes, have photos
21:57 RMB: second - kill with shoe
21:57 yaleman: its eyes glow red in flash
21:57 yaleman: shoes too big to fit behind toilet
21:57 RMB: spider = rain
21:57 yaleman: IT MADE NOISES WHEN RUNNING ACROSS THE DOOR FRAME
21:57 RMB: holy shit you got a retina reflection off its eyes?
21:57 RMB: how big is it?
21:57 yaleman: like TICKTICKTICK of its giant fucking feet
21:58 RMB: spray with deoderant - that always slows them down
21:58 yaleman: like those white saucers of yours
21:58 RMB: or pisses them off
21:58 yaleman: my house smells like MAN
21:58 yaleman: also, I am running out of deoderant, completely unrelated I assure you.
21:58 RMB: lol
21:58 RMB: you could hear it - that’s pretty special
21:58 RMB: well at least it didn’t run up your leg in the shower
21:59 RMB: that happened to me once in that bathroom
21:59 RMB: go out the door get one of mums smaller shoes and see if that will help
21:59 RMB: if not use her mail
21:59 yaleman: shit
21:59 yaleman: I lost im
21:59 yaleman: I was pooping
21:59 yaleman: I couldn’t move!
21:59 RMB: lol
21:59 yaleman: ‘cept for the pooping
21:59 RMB: well now you have to move house
22:00 yaleman: there won’t be a house
22:00 yaleman: there is going to be fire
22:00 yaleman: note for future houses, spotlight behind toilet
22:00 yaleman: fucker’s hiding
22:00 yaleman: I understand how people say I can hide
22:00 yaleman: if this bastard can!
22:01 RMB: oh no.
22:01 RMB: i dont know what to say
22:01 RMB: but if you’re typing to me —- you’re not spider hunting and you’ll get no sleep tonight
22:02 yaleman: that’s it
22:02 yaleman: I’m moving
22:02 yaleman: can’t find him
22:03 RMB: right now?
22:03 RMB: right now?
22:03 RMB: sleeping upstairs
22:03 RMB: but he’s huge…. just keep moving stuff, he’ll have to run out
22:04 yaleman: he was last seen udner my toilet
22:04 yaleman: I think he’s hiding
22:04 RMB: PS: big ones are more likely to be female
22:04 RMB: it’s probably flattened itself underneath the cistern thingy
22:04 RMB: or if there’s a slight gap gone behind the cistern
22:04 yaleman: fucker!
22:05 RMB: had a look in the death cupboard for bug killer?
22:05 yaleman: I didn’t say it could come in!
22:05 yaleman: I was defenseless and it ran at me!
22:06 RMB: you are like 2000 times it’s size
22:06 RMB: so you’re hardly defenceless
22:06 RMB: though at this point i am wondering if it’s smarter than you are 🙂
22:07 yaleman: it’s sneaky!
22:08 RMB: have you found it yet?
22:09 yaleman: no! 🙁
22:09 yaleman: stealth bastard spider
22:10 yaleman: mmm
22:10 yaleman: grr
22:11 RMB: you have to flush him out… no sleep tonight otherwise
22:11 yaleman: reason for cleaning up - less flail-related injuries after stepping on (leaves, small pieces of wool, crinkly plastic)
22:12 RMB: 🙁
22:12 yaleman: I may have jumped like one of those terribly surprised cats on youtube
22:13 yaleman: kinda like this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Bmhjf0rKe8
22:14 RMB: awww…. that was so cute. so if your spider was like that what’s the problem
22:15 yaleman: no, the cat was me and the fingers was the crinkly thing!
22:16 RMB: i notice that you’re talking to me and not hunting spider
22:16 RMB: 🙂
22:19 yaleman: hm
22:19 yaleman: fuckin’ spider
22:19 RMB: still no sign of him?
22:20 yaleman: nope
22:21 RMB: don’t know what to suggest babe
22:21 RMB: do you want me to come over and help you find him?
22:21 yaleman: nah, it’ sok
22:21 yaleman: it’s ok
22:21 yaleman: you wouldn’t get past the smell of deoderant and I think I sprayed bleach
22:22 RMB: are you sure? i owe you one for saving the day with the drugs the other night
22:22 RMB: bleach?
22:22 RMB: so light a match in there?
22:22 yaleman: well there was toilet cleaner
22:22 yaleman: exhaust fan is on
22:29 RMB: so what now?
22:29 yaleman: no sleep until xmas
22:29 yaleman: that’s ok
22:29 yaleman: that’s it*
22:29 RMB: out of sight out of mind?
22:30 yaleman: something like that
22:30 yaleman: la la la I can’t see him
22:31 yaleman: her
22:31 yaleman: it
22:31 RMB: them…
22:32 yaleman: ARGH
22:33 RMB: what (A)
22:34 yaleman: http://i.imgur.com/9mzzo.jpg that’s what I thought of when you said that
I’m 6’9″ tall, weigh nearly 120kg and yet, the little bastard charged at me and I jumped. I think it’s from being bitten by a Redback as a tiny child. I remember vague features of that day, and there was much freaking out on everyone’s behalf. I’m OK with spiders, as long as they’re OUTSIDE.
The idea of one sneaking up on me when I don’t expect it? Fuck. That.