Evil bastard spider

I present to you my evil nemesis, the spider with the evil eye.

This thing had so much heft that while walking along the floor you could hear his feet go tickticktick etc. Scary as hell.

Scarier still, there was a bright red reflection visible to the naked eye from one of his eyes. Maybe he’s actually a terminator?

I think this chatlog sums it up, really:

21:56 yaleman: ffs

21:56 yaleman: spider

21:56 yaleman: can’t fix this problem with a gun

21:56 yaleman: what do I do

21:56 RMB: aaaahhhj balls the size of andromeda

21:56 RMB: 😀

21:56 RMB: titanium

21:57 RMB: is it on your person?

21:57 yaleman: this thing’s the size of your head

21:57 yaleman: not mine, because that’s quite large

21:57 yaleman: it’s still a large spider

21:57 RMB: first - photographs

21:57 yaleman: yes, have photos

21:57 RMB: second - kill with shoe

21:57 yaleman: its eyes glow red in flash

21:57 yaleman: shoes too big to fit behind toilet

21:57 RMB: spider = rain


21:57 RMB: holy shit you got a retina reflection off its eyes?

21:57 RMB: how big is it?

21:57 yaleman: like TICKTICKTICK of its giant fucking feet

21:58 RMB: spray with deoderant - that always slows them down

21:58 yaleman: like those white saucers of yours

21:58 RMB: or pisses them off

21:58 yaleman: my house smells like MAN

21:58 yaleman: also, I am running out of deoderant, completely unrelated I assure you.

21:58 RMB: lol

21:58 RMB: you could hear it - that’s pretty special

21:58 RMB: well at least it didn’t run up your leg in the shower

21:59 RMB: that happened to me once in that bathroom

21:59 RMB: go out the door get one of mums smaller shoes and see if that will help

21:59 RMB: if not use her mail

21:59 yaleman: shit

21:59 yaleman: I lost im

21:59 yaleman: I was pooping

21:59 yaleman: I couldn’t move!

21:59 RMB: lol

21:59 yaleman: ‘cept for the pooping

21:59 RMB: well now you have to move house

22:00 yaleman: there won’t be a house

22:00 yaleman: there is going to be fire

22:00 yaleman: note for future houses, spotlight behind toilet

22:00 yaleman: fucker’s hiding

22:00 yaleman: I understand how people say I can hide

22:00 yaleman: if this bastard can!

22:01 RMB: oh no.

22:01 RMB: i dont know what to say

22:01 RMB: but if you’re typing to me —- you’re not spider hunting and you’ll get no sleep tonight

22:02 yaleman: that’s it

22:02 yaleman: I’m moving

22:02 yaleman: can’t find him

22:03 RMB: right now?

22:03 RMB: right now?

22:03 RMB: sleeping upstairs

22:03 RMB: but he’s huge…. just keep moving stuff, he’ll have to run out

22:04 yaleman: he was last seen udner my toilet

22:04 yaleman: I think he’s hiding

22:04 RMB: PS: big ones are more likely to be female

22:04 RMB: it’s probably flattened itself underneath the cistern thingy

22:04 RMB: or if there’s a slight gap gone behind the cistern

22:04 yaleman: fucker!

22:05 RMB: had a look in the death cupboard for bug killer?

22:05 yaleman: I didn’t say it could come in!

22:05 yaleman: I was defenseless and it ran at me!

22:06 RMB: you are like 2000 times it’s size

22:06 RMB: so you’re hardly defenceless

22:06 RMB: though at this point i am wondering if it’s smarter than you are 🙂

22:07 yaleman: it’s sneaky!

22:08 RMB: have you found it yet?

22:09 yaleman: no! 🙁

22:09 yaleman: stealth bastard spider

22:10 yaleman: mmm

22:10 yaleman: grr

22:11 RMB: you have to flush him out… no sleep tonight otherwise

22:11 yaleman: reason for cleaning up - less flail-related injuries after stepping on (leaves, small pieces of wool, crinkly plastic)

22:12 RMB: 🙁

22:12 yaleman: I may have jumped like one of those terribly surprised cats on youtube

22:13 yaleman: kinda like this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Bmhjf0rKe8

22:14 RMB: awww…. that was so cute. so if your spider was like that what’s the problem

22:15 yaleman: no, the cat was me and the fingers was the crinkly thing!

22:16 RMB: i notice that you’re talking to me and not hunting spider

22:16 RMB: 🙂

22:19 yaleman: hm

22:19 yaleman: fuckin’ spider

22:19 RMB: still no sign of him?

22:20 yaleman: nope

22:21 RMB: don’t know what to suggest babe

22:21 RMB: do you want me to come over and help you find him?

22:21 yaleman: nah, it’ sok

22:21 yaleman: it’s ok

22:21 yaleman: you wouldn’t get past the smell of deoderant and I think I sprayed bleach

22:22 RMB: are you sure? i owe you one for saving the day with the drugs the other night

22:22 RMB: bleach?

22:22 RMB: so light a match in there?

22:22 yaleman: well there was toilet cleaner

22:22 yaleman: exhaust fan is on

22:29 RMB: so what now?

22:29 yaleman: no sleep until xmas

22:29 yaleman: that’s ok

22:29 yaleman: that’s it*

22:29 RMB: out of sight out of mind?

22:30 yaleman: something like that

22:30 yaleman: la la la I can’t see him

22:31 yaleman: her

22:31 yaleman: it

22:31 RMB: them…

22:32 yaleman: ARGH

22:33 RMB: what (A)

22:34 yaleman: http://i.imgur.com/9mzzo.jpg that’s what I thought of when you said that

I’m 6’9″ tall, weigh nearly 120kg and yet, the little bastard charged at me and I jumped. I think it’s from being bitten by a Redback as a tiny child. I remember vague features of that day, and there was much freaking out on everyone’s behalf. I’m OK with spiders, as long as they’re OUTSIDE.

The idea of one sneaking up on me when I don’t expect it? Fuck. That.

#fail #Spiders